i already hear my dad disowning me
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Oh god it's open bar.
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