I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
