And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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