This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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