the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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