I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
