she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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