Capitaan dildo arrescate!
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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