you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
