There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
