I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
