No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize