good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
