Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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