I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Randomize
