I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
