i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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