I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
