I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
But break dance skills will only take you so far
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
