i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
