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i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
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