It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
