I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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