I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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