i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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