my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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