my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
did i walk over a car last night?
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
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