I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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