i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Why is your signature on my underwear?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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