two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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