Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
But break dance skills will only take you so far
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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