I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
