And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
