mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
