I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
