do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Randomize
