I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
