Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
All I want is dick and wine.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
