I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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