i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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