If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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