I skipped work to stalk him.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
