period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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