I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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