How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
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