brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
