You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Randomize
