the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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