Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
