***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
your like the ambassador to my penis.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
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