i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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