Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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