Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
It's rum buckets o'clock
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
