Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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