Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
