Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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