went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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