You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
