The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Randomize
