mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
