you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Randomize
