Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
