He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
